Loose ends

I am reminded somewhat of the end of the poem Hollow Men by T.S. Eliot:

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper

Today was my last day of work at the Berry College Memorial Library. It wasn't spectacular. I had nothing much to do. In fact, I got one question total at the reference desk, and the answer was to direct the person to our circulation desk. I made an unplanned run to Wendy's for food for one of my supervised, lest she eat the sub-par fare from the downstairs vending machine. I got chicken nuggets and fries for myself. I roped said worker and another off-duty worker into helping me with a crossword puzzle, which we still didn't finish. I found out from the off-duty worker that the other worker had a "World's Longest Crossword Puzzle Book". I told her that I planned to buy the book and finish it before her. I had a get-together with a completely different worker and a guy who comes into the library occasionally to talk at length. It sounds somewhat boring, but I think it was a good evening.

As always, there are things I wish I had dared to do, but didn't. There are some things I now realize I want from my life, and others I realize I will refuse to put up with again. Speaking of, this seems to be a good time for some self-inventory. I'm a bit scared of the idea of finally being out on my own, for good. My life in continually more in my hands, but that has never been as real as it is now. I think it hits most in things like having to pay health insurance and find a place to live. I was shocked to find that a gift card for K-Mart I received weeks ago has still not been spent because I haven't thought of anything really worthwhile or necessary to buy. A year ago, it would have been turned into a CD or a DVD or something even less useful in short order. And I feel a little bit alone as well. I mean, I'm planning the first half of this summer around getting to visit old friends. And this fall, when I start graduate school, I will hopefully be living with a good friend of mine from college. But my closest friend moved to California nearly a month ago and then will move to Alaska indefinitely next month. I really wish I had a girlfriend. Now, that sounds like a real loser-type remark, but I mean it in this way: I realize a little more clearly my need for companionship. I would like to have someone there to lift me up when I am down, to encourage me to outdo my perceptions of who I am and what I can accomplish, to know me, and I long to be available to someone who desires the same things. Many times, I believe, we all just need someone to listen to us (hence, blogs, right?). And I'm glad that I can see some of what I want in a relationship, and what type of person I would want to pursue. For instance, I was surprised to find myself highly attracted to a girl I worked with this past year almost solely because of her intelligence (which, of course, manifested itself through conversation, wit, etc.). Many people I know have lists of what they look for in a potential significant other. I don't hold much stock with that idea, because I believe that if you keep your sights too narrow, you may miss out on wonderful qualities in a person you had no idea existed or could delight you so. But if I were to compile a list, the ability to make me laugh would be pretty high up on it. Or, I might say, to make the kind of joke with a large amount of deep thought behind it which can be fully appreciated and enjoyed without guffaws and knee-slapping.

So, that's enough introspection. Get out of my head already, you. Most of the buildings on the Berry College campus are named after somebody. Usually, I'll wager, somebodies who donated lots of moolah to the school. Except for the newest buildings on campus, the Memorial Library isn't named after anyone. It's a memorial--but to whom? I finally decided that, even if only ever in my own mind, it would be the Jimmy Luther Memorial Library. Jimmy Luther is a memorial-name amalgam I created one night while driving through the outskirts of Atlanta and seeing so many Jimmy Carter and Martin Luther King, Jr. memorial highways and offramps and parks and bus stops and gas station restroom keys and all.

So to end this post, I leave you with the entire photograph from which my previous blog profile picture came. It was taken about six years ago during a high school marching band trip to the Bahamas by cruise boat. It was the first night on the water, and they had people dressed up like pirates outside each exit of the dining room. I remember our waiter was from Croatia. I am eternally thankful that they did not ask that we pay for these photographs.